Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Horoscope: Feb 28th - Jenkins Style

Hey urrbody. I'm completely into this Leeroy Jenkins phenomenon right now, and wouldn't you know this is the horoscope I get for today...

Dear Old Coot (name changed to protect the guilty),
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, February 28:

A change is about to land in your life, and you're ready for it. If anything, you've been anticipating it for ages. Unlike most changes, this one will live up to its promise -- and then some. Get ready to rumble!

To which I say "Alright, that's enough. Let's DO this! Leeroooyyy Jeeennnnnkins!"

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Mo Money, Less Problems

As of last night, my wireless connection at home has been restored. After scouring the futureweb for a new driver for my wireless card, I came up empty-handed. A little fussing with the router settings and voila, I was back in business. I blame Microsoft.

Power Blogging, Unplugged

Here's what I think happened. MS decided to update my security settings and by doing so rendered my whole setup defunct. I'm not sure how this could have happened, but I think it made it impossible for me to operate my network unsecured. One setting change and the next thing I knew I had full signal strength. PlacaTAN!

Simply put: blah blah blah, now it works.

Now I'm going to be Power Blogging, unplugged. Phew, what a hassle.

Mega Millions

Damn it, I still haven't won. I've invested $20 into this freaking Mega Millions scam with zero payout. I gave another $5 to a guy in my office only because I don't want to be the only guy left when they hit big. One of these times we have to win.

A brief e-mail conversation today convinced me that I need to win big. My talents are wasted at my job, I would be able to better serve my public if I didn't have a lame ass job interfering with my creativity. I know, I know you all think that mo money means mo problems, just like Biggie Smalls told us, but in my case you're wrong. I might drive a newer Lesbaru and ride a fancier bike, and wear better running clothes, and have my own espresso machine but other than that I can't see money changing me as a person. I'd probably move to a new house on a new hill, where I had radiant heat in the floors instead of busted ass forced air but again that wouldn't change me as a person.

But I would flaunt my cash in front of all you suckers who work regular jobs and have to worry about the price of rice in China. I'd park in the parking lot of my current employer and wave stacks of cash at people as they filed into their cube farms, sipping a latte I made at home. I'd tie fishing line to $100 bills and watch people chase them across the parking lot, then laugh in their face as I tore up the money right in front of them.

Then I'd walk into my manager's office and quit, Leroy Jenkins style. If I got any beef from anyone, I'd hire an impromptu entourage to rough them up while I mean mugged them. Lastly I'd take the last cup of coffee and not make another pot.

Hate hate hate!

House of Pain Update

Damn, I'm gonna leave some negative feedback on this guy's site. I've been waiting for this album for a long time now. I even ordered it from someone on the east coast so I wouldn't have to wait for the Pony Express to hand carry it from southern California. I am so itching to get my House of Pain on.

Leeroy Jenkins

If you haven't heard of Leeroy Jenkins, this video will answer all of your questions. It's a prime example of accidental humor. These nerds are playing a nerd video game, with their nerd-speak and nerd-tactics, speaking very matter-of-factly about all nerdy aspects of the game, when Leeroy Jenkins fucks up the whole choreographed plan. "Leeroy, you are just stupid as hell."

At least he has chicken.

And that's the end of that chapter. If you send me some good Mega Millions vibes I'll kick you some cash when I win.

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Still No Internetting from Home

For all of you out there who take your internet connection for granted, I suggest you give props to the big network server in the sky because you don't know how it is to be internetless.

Wirelessless Networking Sucks

When I say that I have no internet, what I really mean is that I have no wireless internet, or more precisely, that I'm operating wirelesslessly. Sure, for thousands of years people have been using wirelessless connections to the internet but ever since I discovered that one could go wirelesslessless (or simply wireless) I have found wires to be a complete nuisance.

My home network has been a little flakey as of late, with the connection to the router being intermittent at best. Over the weekend I officially lost all connectivity to my own router and to my neighbors' routers. I've spent untold time trying to reconfigure my router to get the damn thing to work, to no avail. My laptop tells me that it's not a problem on the laptop side of the connection, so the obvious problem must be that there's a problem with the router.

Well, Linksys (the router people) have a handy utility that will set up your network for you. After monkeying with all of the settings and so on I discovered this utility and put it to use. It got as far as to set up the router, and when it tried to configure my laptop it told me to turn on the radio (not the stereo, but wireless card radio). It was already on, so I turned it off, then back on again and set the software off running. It came back and said the radio was not on.

Hmmmm. Methinks there's a problem with my wireless card. Assuming this is the problem I should be able to either install a new driver and get it up and running again, buy a PCMCIA network card (that sticks out the side of the laptop), or buy a new laptop, in ascending order of price and descending order of preference. Translation, I hope it's the free solution.

Without TV and now without a reliable internet connection I have had a lot of free time after work. Thank God I started reading that long but fascinating book, State of Fear by Michael Crichton.

Still No House of Pain

As of last night I am still without House of Pain's self-titled album, House of Pain. I can only pray that it'll be waiting for me when I get home tonight.

No TV is Taxing My iPod

I've found that when the TV goes off in my house, the iPod goes on. Since the only time my iPod is charged is when I'm driving (< half an hour per day) or synchronizing it on my laptop (which has been keeping dust off my desk for nearly a week now) I have been scraping the bottom of the battery. My car charger only works with the key in the ACC position, meaning the car effectively has to be on but not running, so I can't just let it charge while I'm at work. And since I would have to kill myself if I didn't have any music to listen to I think the only option is to buy an AC charger to connect to my new cradle. Damn you Steve Jobs, you're killing me with the add-ons.

If anyone has one that they would like to send to me, I would greatly appreciate it.

Well, that's all I have time for today. I'll holler at y'all later (hopefully from home).

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Monday, February 26, 2007

Weekend Update

Alright, I've been trying to write a new post for days, but my internet connection at home is effed up. Instead of trying to update the dates so that it make sense I've decided to abandon it and start fresh.

3 Day Weekends are the Bomb

This past weekend was another of our 3-day weekends. We get them every other week, at considerable cost during the rest of the week, but man are they nice. I have made a pact with myself that I'm going to use each one to its fullest. This weekend was no exception.

First, I slept in a little bit later than usual and took my time getting going. Around 10:00 I hopped in the A-ride and drove out to Notchview for some cross country skiing. Lacking company, I had to hope for the best.

When I got there, I was surrounded by highschool kids bouncing around the lodge before. I'm guessing they were there for practice, and by practice I mean annoying the shit out of me while they had their highschool conversations about things that only concern highschool kids. Resisting the urge to kill all of them, I quietly changed into my ski gear and headed out. They must have been on some other set of trails because we never crossed paths. THANK GOD.

It was a fantastic day, probably around 20 degrees and sunny. It had snowed the night before so there was a fresh 3" coat of snow on the trails and boy was it silent. Ahhh. The trails they chose to groom were slightly different from the last time I was there, so I was forced to take some different routes and a few times blaze my own trails.

The only negative was that my Check Engine light came on again. I'm not positive, but I think it's really an About to Drive to Windsor light. It's turned on the last few times I've either threatened to drive to Windsor or in this case, actually driven there.

Two days later, the light's back off.

The Stick

So this "Stick" I told all of you I bought is fantastic. The first day I used it I found sore muscles where I didn't even think there were muscles. Then, once those kinks were worked out, there were more kinks underneath. I've been working on my calves for 5 days now and they're finally starting to not bring tears to my eyes. Like the instructions say, "It's like a comb for your muscles."


Saturday morning I went snowshoe running up on Mt. Greylock. It was a chilly 10 degrees with wind like you wouldn't believe. I was bundled up a little more than usual, including a wind breaker. As it turned out, the windbreaker not only kept the wind off my person, but it kept the sweat on my person. By the end of the run I had these huge icicles hanging from the back of my jacket. They looked like they were on my ass, so I've dubbed them ass-cicles.

There was so much ice, in fact, that I couldn't separate my fleece from my windbreaker. I warmed them up in the house for about half an hour before I finally just tossed them both in the washing machine in their fused state.

Mortgage Update

This should be the last installment of my mortgage update section. On Friday I received the PAID IN FULL copy of my old mortgage, and a copy of all of the papers I signed for the new one. Like I said before, I had to wait a few days for the attorney to file the paperwork in case I changed my mind, but now I am officially free and clear!

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Jump Around!

I just ordered House of Pain's self-titled album "House of Pain". This was the first CD I ever owned and since losing it years ago I have felt a hole in my life. It even came in one of those big ass cardboard CD cases that CDs used to come in. Remember those? I bet I still have it, I'll check when I get home.

I'll be glad to have this puppy back in my collection. Until then there will be no jumping around.

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Bi-Weekly Hump Day

Good morning urrbody. I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

Bad News First

Well, this was sort of a trick. The bad news is mostly that I didn't bring enough candy for everyone so I won't be sharing. Also, my leg/butt problem that had seemingly gone away came roaring back today.

You see, I felt like I was about 97% recovered. I went for a run last night (damn, it was cold) and felt pretty good for most of the run. The last few miles however, I felt some pain in my hip flexor. This is not really related to the leg/butt pain, in fact it wasn't even the same leg. I chalked it up to the cold and pressed on. I think what happened is I kept compensating for one ache/pain or another and ended up re-injuring my leg/butt. The good news of it is that it's really just a hamstring problem and I hope to be able to stretch my problems away.

The Good News

Well, first of all I was reviewing my sitemeter count and saw that I had a hit from somewhere overseas (Lambeth, London). The referral came from a search engine, with the search text "pink shirt friday". Ahh, not only are other people interested in Pink Shirt Fridays, but they also use my blog as reference material.

After yesterday's high temp of about 10 degrees (F), we started today out at a sweltering 22 degrees (also F), with an expected high of close to 40! I'm not sure what shape I'll be in after work, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get out and do something. Ski, 'shoe, run? Who knows?

Almost 730 Days

For those of you who care, this Thursday marks the 730th day (that's 2 years to the lay person) that I've been on the wagon. This month is just full of milestones. To celebrate this occasion, I ordered myself The Stick, a glorified rolling pin for massaging knots out of your muscles. With my recent history of having knots sideline my running, I thought this would be a nice treat.

Go ahead and laugh, ha ha, Old Coot bought a massager called "The Stick". You guys are so immature.

I also treated myself to a pull-up bar, so I can add pull-ups to my non-running fitness regime. So far I've been able to limit myself to only exercises that use my body weight. This is a goal of mine to keep me from going overboard. I know that if I'm not careful I'll end up with a BowFlex.

Well, that's all I have to say about that. Oh, and I made some soup last night that is wicked good. I loaded up the ginger but you really can't taste it; bummer.

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Monday, February 19, 2007

You're In the Right Place!

Hey everybody, I just made a bunch of changes to my blog, hopefully for the better. The kicker was that I wanted to upgrade to the configurable templates but I had my own stuff (html code) that would have to be copied over to give it all of the functionality of the old template. Long story short, it was going to be a hassle. Now that I've made the change, updates to the template should be much easier. Hopefully I can make this blog more fun for all of you!

New Features

In case you hadn't noticed, there is a new feature on the right-hand-side. Some things are only funny to a select few, and this is one of them. At lunch, we have a running (on-going) joke about things that are "no joke". You'll find someone inadvertently saying something like "Cockroaches are no joke", then we'll bust out laughing and add it to some non-existent list. Well, now there's a list.

I purposely didn't give the context for each entry because I think it might make them funnier as standalone items in a list. In the future I might add the context when I add something to the list.

Okay, so that's really the only feature I've added that you can see. The rest of the features make life easier for me. Enjoy!

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

My Achilles Heel and So On

Hey everyone, it's Monday and it's a chilly one here in the fabulous Berkshires. This weekend was also chilly, but it at least hung in the teens. Today was in the single digits with high wind; thank Jeebus my car was in the garage. Too bad I forgot my gloves.

The Frost Bit My Ankles

On Saturday morning I joined the RRFs on a birthday "run" for Bad Jim. Run is in quotes because we did more walking than running.

We headed across a big ass, wide open, windblown field, up a road and into the trails by the Visitor Center at the bottom of Mount Greylock. Did I mention we were running in snowshoes? Yeah, we were.

Roughly two steps into the "run" it became evident that my ankle socks were not going to cut it. Not only were they short, but they didn't even reach up to the bottom of my tights (yes, I wear running tights and yes, I love them). In snowshoes, every step tosses snow up your back and, more importantly that day, onto your ankles.

Normally this isn't a problem, but when your ankles are exposed to the elements and you do this thousands of times it gets a bit painful. Not to mention that once we hit the woods the snow was a foot and a half deep. Even wearing snowshoes you sink into the light fluffy snow a good six inches or more. The only respite I had from the wind on them was when the snow was caked so thickly on my socks that it blocked the air. This of course meant there was ice packed against my Achilles tendons.

For all intents and purposes my ankles were packed in ice for an hour and a half. Not regular ice either, but rough, sandpaper-like, grinding ice. By the time we got back to Bad Jim's house I could no longer feel my Achilles tendons. I swapped my drenched, ice-encrusted socks for dry wool socks and felt much better. They're still sore today if that tells you anything. I guess you could say that my Achilles Heels are my Achilles tendons.

After that "run" I went over to the Arcadian Shop and treated myself to some gaiters and taller socks.

Lent is Quickly Approaching

I'm not one for giving up anything for Lent for a number of reasons. First of all, I have so few vices left that I feel giving up one more might really offset the balance and send me off the deep end. Second, I think religion is dumb. At least most religion. I'm more of a Golden Rule kind of guy.

It dawned on me today that maybe this year I could try to give up something for Lent. My initial thought was to give up desserts because lately I have been grazing on sugar and butter like it's going out of style. Fortunately I know what happens when you deprive yourself of desserts, you gorge on them. So I'm come up with something I can give up that would be beneficial to my life but not totally mess me up.

I'm thinking I might give up TV. I know I've told all of you that I don't really like TV, and you all probably know that I have the ghettoest cable you can get (it's now less than $10 a month after fees and taxes), but I still watch it. I just watch worse programming and fuzzier channels than most people (National Geographic Channel, why must you be so fuzzy?).

The truth of it is that I really only watch out of boredom, and I think I could easily find better uses for my time than watching the tube. If all goes well I might be able to completely ween myself off it before summer hits. That would be a win-win as far as I'm concerned.

Now, the one caveat is that I'd allow myself to watch movies. Sometimes a movie is just what the Dr. ordered, and it's not the same mindless activity that watching shitty programming is.

For now I'm going to marinate on the idea. I should have my decision by Wednesday, which is the official start of Lent.

In the Clink

Speaking of National Geographic Channel, there was a show on last night about prison. I've seen the show before but, out of boredom, I sat through it again. It's not an expose on salad tossing or anything like that, but rather a documentary about the violence and gang life in our prisons. The had all sorts of footage depicting the violent nature of prisoners, and the way they all seem to accept it. It's a way of life we don't understand on this side of the walls.

Unfortunately I was unable to purge my mind of that show before I went to bed, and my sleep was plagued with dreams of being incarcerated and getting shanked (or is it shivved in prison?). At one point we were all just running around stabbing eachother for no reason at all. I think it was like getting jumped into a gang, you had to get stabbed to be able to stab someone else.

Note to self, don't go to prison.

Well everyone, I hope your week is swell. Mine is a short week because this is our Friday off. PlacaTAN!

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Friday, February 16, 2007

Pink, Baby Blue, and Squirrel Tossing

Hey y'all. Not much new from yours truly since my last post about 12 hours ago. I can tell you that I slept like a baby last night and life is just a little better today. In fact, I have some concrete evidence that life is better.

Pink Shirt Friday

As you know, every working Friday (which is every other Friday with our 9/80 schedule) has been named Pink Shirt Friday by yours truly. People laughed, naysayed (naysaid?), and generally poked fun at my idea. Well, my numbers are up and I have more and more people not only wearing pink shirts but actually going out and buying pink shirts just to wear for Pink Shirt Friday. I'm a freaking trend setter!

One guy, who used to be my lead, received his pink shirt from his wife on Valentine's Day. He had merely mentioned that the Hardware Crew (big ups to the HWC) was going to be wearing them every other Friday and she took it upon herself to make sure he had one. The long arm of the Coot has reached out and touched the wives of the HWC members. PlacaTAN!

I Am the Original Recipe

In case any of your were wondering, my real name isn't Old Coot. In real life, I go by the name "Todd". At work, we have two Todds so the question often comes up of which one is the real one. I am so secure in my realness that I also go by the name "Original Recipe Todd", since the original recipe for Todds was used to create me. All others are lesser, slapped-together facsimiles.


The other one, who is older and has worked at my workplace longer, is Bizarro Todd. I'm sure I've covered this before. To put an end to any confusion, I had a former coworker prepare a hat for me. This hat is on order and will be delivered to my house in the next week or so.

If you don't see a picture of me wearing this hat in the near future, please speak up. I promised BV I'd get one to him, and my word is my bond yo. That's just how I roll.

MLK isn't the Only One Who Dreams

As I mentioned, I slept great last night. There was one dream that was as vivid as they get. I'm going to try to convey the details to you, then offer the translation I came up with using my handy dandy dream dictionary.

In my dream, there was a squirrel loose in my house. I tried to chase it out just by literally chasing it around the place. Having never actually chased a squirrel around my house before, it was a lot like chasing a cat who doesn't want to be caught (if you can imagine such a thing). Realizing that it was going to start effing up my house, I had to become more and more forceful; I waved a dish towel at it, and eventually wet a corner and started snapping the towel at it.

I felt bad having to snap it with a towel, but it had to go. I even had my cats try to get it, but they're useless when it comes to catching food that doesn't come in fun, crunchy shapes and present itself in a bowl. Finally I grabbed the squirrel and threw it out the door. It had to be done.

In the world of dreams, your house is representative of your personal world. Something happening to/in my house in a dream relates to something happening to/in my awake world. The dream squirrel is defined by...

To see squirrels running around, signifies that you are involved in a loveless or pointless relationship or an unprofitable business project.

By throwing this loveless, pointless, unprofitable squirrel out of my house, well, I think you can figure it out. Peace out "squirrel".

Leeeeeeroy Jeeeeenkins!!!

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The End of an Era

Well Cooterinos, you know what they say about doors closing?

Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! Peace!

In case you're wondering what I'm talking about, I just got home from the closing on my new mortgage and as of today I am the sole owner of a small piece of land (and a residence) in the Pitt. Some of you may remember this land/house as the house I've been living in for the last four years. Your memory serves you correctly, I bought the place from myself for the low low price of X number of dollars.

True to form, things still aren't technically final. I have 3 business days to back out of the deal before it becomes written in stone. I'm pretty sure that there's nothing the previous co-owner can do to muck up my life so F that B!

As expected, the air was sweeter, a guy let me into a huge line of traffic, I ate a delicious treat at Starbucks, I bought a new pink shirt (for Pink Shirt Friday tomorrow), and somewhere in the middle I burst out into an uncontrollable smiling, gleaming, laughing fit. Life is now better.

[wiping hands] And that's the end of that chapter [/wiping hands]

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Summer Starts Today

Hey Cooterinos, despite the 18" of snow/sleet we got yesterday and the single digit (Fahrenheit) temperatures we are experiencing, today marks the first day of the Second Annual Summer of Todd.

A Closing We Will Go

At 4:00 Eastern Time, I will be waltzing into the attorney's office with a big fat smile on my face. You see, today is the day I close on my refinance and officially close a rather long and unpleasant chapter of my life.

For those of you who have been keeping your fingers crossed for me, please continue to cross them until 5 PM this evening. Unless, of course, you have been losing circulation in your fingers or have been experiencing a tingling sensation in your hands. If you are unsure whether or not you should continue to cross your fingers and have any sort of medical reason to uncross them, by all means uncross them. I just ask that you cross your toes or eyes until the official uncrossing time (5 PM Eastern US Time).

Coincidentally, The Second Annual Summer of Todd begins at precisely the same moment my last signature dries on my new mortgage papers. BooYEAH!

We Don't Take No Stinkin' Personal Checks

I'm not a check writer. Some people will write a check for a pack of gum, but not me. I knew I was going to have some sort of money due at my closing and prepared for such an event by transferring a buttload of money into my checking account. Yesterday I received a call from the paralegal at my attorney's office who told me the exact payoff amount and mentioned that I need to bring a cashier's check.

I forgot that I had to do that the last time, and it brought up an interesting question. The bank happily accepts a personal check from me every month. The bank is also lending me many, many thousands of dollars. The bank will not accept a personal check for closing costs. Why is it that my money is good for some things and not others? I'm sure there's a very logical reason, it's just sort of humorous.

As I mentioned, I transferred money into an account so my checkbook would be plenty plump when I walked into the office. Now that I need a cashier's check, I figured I'd just hit the credit union here at work.

Unfortunately the credit union at work isn't the one I transferred money into. I have enough to cover it, but I'll have to move some cash around. That's all fine and good, EXCEPT today is the day they change over the check-printing system at our particular branch, so I can't get a cashier's check anyway. Now I have to leave extra early and go to the other bank to get a cashier's check, then drive back across town to the closing. Foolishness I tell you, foolishness.

Doctor's Warning

If you enjoy eating but have trouble maintaining a healthy weight, I don't suggest you read this...

Last night I was all set up to make a nice, healthy tuna sandwich. I had my can of tuna opened and drained (of course it sprayed tuna water in my freshly showered face and hair), onion and green pepper chopped, and mayonnaise out on the counter. I opened the mayo and noticed it looked a little "off". The date on the jar read December 2006, which is normally close enough for me, but with mayo I wasn't taking any chances.

Lacking any other mayo-esque substance, I opted for bleu cheese dressing. OH MY GOD! It was the most delicious sandwich I've ever had. I even made another batch for lunch today. I will no longer be using mayo in my tuna sandwiches, ever.

Ice Pellets to the Grill

Yesterday, it was far too blizzarous to drive to work. In celebration of such an environmental day off, I drove to a local park to go snowshoeing. I was properly dressed so as not to overheat, yet also stay warm. The only exposed skin on my person was on my face, where I was repeatedly pelted by ice pellets flying horizontally in the 30 MPH wind (gusts up to 50 MPH). If it hadn't been for the ice pellets I could have been out there indefinitely, but instead I had to cut it short and get my ass out of the wind.

An Advertisement for My Feet

Let me tell you about my feet. While snowshoeing yesterday, I was wearing hiking boots (which I love) and some nice hiking socks (which I also love). If someone was to make a TV commercial for how good my feet felt, it would involve an attractive couple wearing thick wool sweaters, complete with turtlenecks, sitting next to a fire on a bear skin rug sipping the finest hot cocoa. The wind would be howling outside as snowflakes filled the air. From their laughter, it would be obvious that they couldn't be more comfortable. That scene is what was going through my head as I enjoyed the comfort afforded to my feet by my footwear.

And that's what I have to say about that.

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Snow Day Tomorrow!

Hey y'all, this is gonna have to be quick because I only have about 15-20 minutes. I'm gonna start off by telling you that tomorrow is a snowday here in the Pitt, and even though our work NEVER closes I'll be taking the day off.

Snow Day

On my day off I will undoubtedly be outside playing in the snow. Sure, they want us to stay off the roads, but I assume they'll make an exception for those of us who want to get to a kickass snowshoeing place. I'm thinking Notchview will be my stomping grounds for the day. If that fails, maybe I'll just find my way to the Appalachian Trail (or AT for us locals) for some stomping.

I should point out that I bought snowshoes last winter and we got one storm. I went out about twice and almost died once when I got lost on the mountain by myself at night. Some of you may recall that story from my livejournal days. So hell and highwater (well, maybe the high water) won't be keeping me from snowshoeing tomorrow.

The Honda Express

That package I mailed off to my sister (in Japan) arrived in record time. I think if you factor in the time difference it actually got there before I sent it. If you have any hesitations towards mailing something to your pen-pal in Tokyo, don't.

Subarus are for Lesbians?

I just learned today that Subaru station wagons are for lesbians. You'd think the salesman would mention something like that before I sign my name to the loan papers. Do I need to put a rainbow sticker on my tailgate? Actually, I probably need to put a sticker on the tailgate explaining how I didn't know that these cars are only for lesbians from Northampton, MA. "Sorry, not a lesbian. I didn't know until after I bought it. My bad."

I think I smell a Tilden letter to Subaru asking them what their return policy is on their popular wagon. I'm sure there's a breach of contract somewhere in there due to my non-lesbian status.

Speaking of Tilden

Most of you won't find this to be that funny, but for the fellas at work it's a real rib-tickler. One of the original members of the Tilden Crew has t-shirts for sale at cafepress. He thought it would be funny to put the (revised) phrase "That Would Be Tremendous" on a shirt, in honor of Corbett, of The Corbett Report fame, who is very fond of the saying. As a matter of fact, since learning of its popularity it's been finding its way into my vocabulary.

Ask and ye shall receive. Anyone can now purchase his/her own "That Would Be Tremendous" t-shirt here.

I would like a foam and mesh baseball hat with "Original Recipe Todd" printed on the front. BV, hop to it if you would. That would be tremendous.

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Monday, February 12, 2007

It's Monday, Yee Haw

Another week, another couple dollars. There isn't a whole lot to tell everyone today, which is strange because I haven't posted since last Thursday. I do have a few ita (faux plural of item) that you may find interesting.

Birthdays all Around

This weekend was birthday mayhem.

First, I "celebrated" my sister's birthday a mere four months late, by sending her present along with a curling iron she's been asking me to send for the last few months. It's not that I'm lazy (well, some of it is), but rather that she's in Japan and sending stuff there is slightly more complicated than mailing something inside the country. Plus there's the whole "once you've done it, it's painless" aspect of it, where the first time is the hardest. Oh, let me tell you this story...

When you send international packages, you have to check with USPS policy 123.61 to determine whether you need to fill out the Customs Declaration Form, PS Form 2976. I was sending some light things, so I figured this would not be necessary. As a matter of fact, I could even use the do-it-yourself kiosk any time of day I liked. This is handy when you can only get to the post office every other Friday.

Anyway, I went up to the kiosk the other day, set the package on the scale and started running through all of the menus and questions. Finally, it tells me that I can't use the kiosk because the package exceeds 1 lb. I looked at the scale and the thing weighed in at 1 lb 0.1 oz or, one-tenth of an ounce over the limit, approximately the weight of the saliva on the envelope. Well, I had to go back on my Friday off to go to the desk, ask for and fill out PS Form 2976, and deal with the quasi ornery postal worker.

End result, the package is en route to Japan as I type. Ab, keep yourn eyes peeled.

Second, Saturday was my mother's birthday. I sent her card off to her with plenty of time, but when I called on Saturday she hadn't checked the mail and didn't know if it had arrived yet. Oh well, if it did, it did.

Third, Thursday was the birthday of a woman with whom I run. She's really our ringleader, so we wanted to make a deal out of it. By deal, we were going to go for a birthday run and then eat cake. On Saturday we'd be taking her for another run, then breakfast. The funny part about breakfast on Saturday was that she had to leave to take her kids somewhere, so we all went out and ate without her. We did treat her to a Diet Pepsi and blueberry muffin.

All Tied Up

I went to good ol' TJ Maxx yesterday in search of a knife. They sometimes sell Wusthof knives, so I check every once in a while to snatch one up while they're there. I didn't find one, but I did find a new shirt and some dope ties. These pups were fancy silk ties that, at full price, would cost more than the shirts they were to adorn. However, thanks to the magic of TJ Maxx, I was able to procure them for under $10 each. Cha ching! Shirt-and-Tie Thursdays will continue without tie repetition.

Sales Abound

Just a quick note about my trip to the Lee Outlets. At the Saucony store, I scored a kickass running shirt, a pair of socks and a pair of gloves (for my pal One Glove) all for the low, low price of $20. The shirt itself was originally more than that. Sweet!

Then it was off to J Crew to check out their sales. I managed to pick up a dope sweater (okay, it was just a regular wool sweater) for $9. Original retail value: ~$45). Score.

Mystery Solved

A little while ago I mentioned that I had begun receiving calls from an Anonymous caller. I received another on Saturday and it turned out to be The Red Cross calling to ask me to donate. Usually their calls come through with a Boston area code, but this recent set of calls was anonymous, go figure. Thank God it wasn't the very-soon-to-be-former-co-owner trying to "get in touch". I can do without that mess.

Oh, the funny part about the phone call was that I was wearing my dorky bluetooth headset. I added the adjective 'dorky' to let you know that I don't wear it to be cool, I wear it when I drive. Anyway, I was able to answer the call easily enough, and the conversation part was flawless, but when I went to hang up I couldn't remember how to do it right. By the time I realized that I had merely transferred the call back to the handset I had already ripped off a few family-unfriendly verses of an Eminem song. I can only hope the woman hung up before I started in on that.

Mortgage Update

Okay, some of you may have heard and some of you may not, but I received a call from Christine at the attorney's office (she's been my liaison to the attorney throughout this long, drawn-out process) Thursday evening. She was calling to let me know that they received the deed and everything was in order to schedule the closing!!!!! She asked if I would be available to meet at their office next Thursday, to which I replied "yes". She asked if 4:00 was good for me, and I responded with "I can be wherever you want, whenever you want." I don't care if I have to fly to Los Angeles on a Wednesday morning, I'll be there. Conveniently I don't have to fly to LA on a Wednesday morning, I just have to drive a few blocks after work on Thursday. I am getting sooooo clooooosssseeee.

When I leave the attorney's office on Thursday, I can only imagine the air will be a little crisper, bus fumes will be a little less pungent, the relative humidity will be a little closer to 50%, dinner after The Thursday Night Run will be both sweet and savory, the feathers in my pillows will be just a little downier, and maybe, just maybe I'll stop clenching my teeth while I sleep.

Of course, my fingers are crossed that nothing goes wrong between now and then. You can never underestimate the potential for disaster an unbalanced woman possesses. A phone call and some fake tears and I could be back to square one with a law suit on my hands. BUT, through the power of positive thinking I am going to all but guarantee that won't happen.

I'm thinking I might take Friday off for a celebratory trip out to Notchview for some xc skiing. Of course I'll have to go by myself, but so be it.

You heard it here first. Unless that is, you already heard it somewhere else.

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Google Referrals

Hey y'all, this may or may not be interesting to some of you, but I think it's great. Every so often I have enough google referrals to this here blog that it's worth mentioning, especially if some of them are for wild stuff. Read on...

Here are some referrals, and my comments, from most recent to least recent:

  • juicy vein when donating blood - I have juicy veins, I can see why they got my blog.
  • april coot - perhaps there's a woman out there named April Coot. If you see her (and she's hot, mid-twenties and rich), let her know her soulmate is looking for her.
  • can alleve and advil be mixed - I'm going to guess no.
  • old coot - self-explanatory
  • r.c. bauchery cars - I don't know what those are, but I do know what D.E.Bauchery is.
  • half marathon race report - I ran one, I reported on it.
  • remound outlet - Ha ha, 'remound'. I use that as past tense of remind.
  • (2x) traffic jam (image search) - see below
  • old coot todd - self-explanatory
  • alleve sciatica - I thought I had sciatica, and I took Alleve to relieve it. This person found no useful information on my blog, I'm sure.

The traffic jam image search yielded the following image. I'm not sure how it made the leap from lily pads to a traffic jam, but I appreciate the web traffic (no puns intended).

A Google Traffic Jam

So there you have it Cooterinos. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Monday, February 05, 2007

Pandas and a Roof

Some of you might have noticed that I have just a few slightly quirky tendencies. Might. Sometimes just being me makes it tough enough to do day-to-day things, and if you throw a mixture of OCD and my own special blend of eccentricities, navigating life can be rather difficult. Allow me to spin you a yarn...

Panda Soap

If you turned back the clocks a half a dozen years or so and went to Walmart, you'd find a younger, poorer, fatter, hairier version of me buying hand soap. In an attempt to make my hovel a little more fun, I bought soap in fun dispensers. One had a plastic koala climbing the tube, with a jungle theme behind him and the other was similar but not exactly the same.

When the soap ran out, I replaced it with non-anti-bacterial soap because I don't want to promote the evolution of super-bacteria. Unfortunately, only anti-bacterial soap comes in clear form, so for the last 5 years I haven't been able to see the fun 'scapes until the soap gets down below 1/4 full or so.

With the advent of foaming soap, I have become more and more tempted to make the switch to a new dispenser. This, of course, is where one of my issues comes into play. I can't replace something as trivial as a soap dispenser just because I want to try something new. The old one works fine, and I have enough refill soap to finish out the decade. Switching now would be a real waste. This has become a battle between not wanting to toss something perfectly good, and making a slight quality of life improvement.

The other night I decided to pull the trigger, and a trip to Target was ordered. I bought a few items and returned home anxious to play with my new Eucalyptus/Mint foaming hand soap. After wrestling with the thing to get it working, I dispensed one hand-washing worth of soap into my palm; but it didn't foam! I tried again and sure enough it didn't foam. I re-inspected the bottle and apparently the roundish-shaped bottle (as opposed to the triangular bottle) is not the foaming style. After all of the mental anguish and philosophical discussions I ended up with the wrong freaking soap! Damn it!

It does smell good though.

To Dormer or Not to Dormer

Like most ideas that come into my head, the idea of putting dormers on the back of my house seemed like the perfect solution to my no-sunlight-getting-bedroom problem. The only windows in my bedroom face the north, which is no good when you live in the northern hemisphere. With that setup, I don't get any sunlight in my bedroom. HOWEVER, if I had a dormer on the back of the house (the east side AKA, Eessiyeed) I'd get the morning sun shining into the room, awakening me with its golden rays, plus the sound of birds chirping and the smell of flowers blooming. I don't see any drawbacks.

After having marinated on the idea for a little while I think it's something worth round-tabling during a home improvement discussion at lunch. There are a few projects that would supersede (read: be procrastinated first), but it sho would be nice. Add in the fact that I need a new roof and now's the time to add dormers if I'm going to.

Mortgage Update

I still have no more information for any of you. I have, however, been receiving calls from an Unavailable number. Given that I have never received one Unavailable call prior to calling the soon-to-be-former-co-owner, I'm worried that I might have somehow started something.

I can see how, to the crazy, illogical, self-centered mind, one might misconstrue something such as breaking off the last remaining connection as trying to get back in touch. Here's how I imagine the warped mind (WM) might work:

WM: "Hmm, Old Coot is trying to get my name off his house. I'm not ready for such a move, I'll ignore."
*Four months later*
WM: "Wow, Old Coot really seems like he's trying to get in touch with me. I know he has been all business and has only discussed the mortgage, but there must be something beneath all of it."
*Another month later*
WM: "Hey, Old Coot just called me and left a message. I know the message only said his attorney is concerned that he hasn't received the signed deed. Yeah, he stressed the fact that he wants it pronto, but I think he really just wanted to talk. I had better call him back."

And so on and so forth. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I wasn't near my phone when either of the calls came in, because I'm dying to know who it is. It's possible that it's just some telemarketer, but the coincidence leads me to believe that it isn't.

The real question is, can I still play nicely? I don't want to burn any bridges before everything is said and done so that she can't change her (warped) mind. At that point, I probably still won't burn that bridge, I'll just forget it exists. I'm too nice of a guy to really speak my mind; it wouldn't do any good.

Homepieces, I'm out of here.

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...


Okay, you guys know I'm not someone who likes to count his chickens before they hatch. Usually that's the kind of thing that causes things to backfire on me, but this time I'm really having trouble holding back...

Mortgage Update

After a few e-mails and a phone call for encouragement, I have made the following progress. This is the e-mail response I just received:

It is in the mail.


From the brevity of the response and the lack of signature, I believe that she wasn't real happy with me calling her house and leaving a message on her machine. Oh well, you should have done it sooner and I wouldn't have had to call. I can only pray that she will have signed it properly. There's no telling with this girl if it was done correctly. Keep me in your prayers.

If all goes well I should have my closing within the next week!!!!!!!!!

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...

Febrrrrrruary the 5th

You know, the nice thing about cold weather is that it really brings people together. There are few other weather conditions that have the same effect. Rain bums people out, as do humid days, dreary autumn days and so on. But cold weather really gets people to unite against a common enemy, especially days like today when it's 2 degrees F.

It could be that when it's wicked cold, it's also sunny which has an uplifting effect on people. I don't think we'll get to the bottom of this here today, and for now I have some other matters to discuss.

A Skier's Paradise

Friday night started out like it was going to be one of those nights. I was sitting in my recliner, balled up under a blanket watching blah programming. In an attempt to both kill the malaise and warm my bones, I decided to do a little ab workout. I brought the ol' fitness ball into the livingroom, and flipped through the channels in search of something interesting to look at but not necessarily listen to. Jay-Z would provide my fitness soundtrack for the evening.

Wouldn't you know, I stumbled upon Friday Night Fights on ESPN (I or II, I'm not sure). Nothing gets me excited for exercising like seeing people beating the shit out of each other. COPS! would also have worked.

Anyway, I got to working on the ol' abs and really got into some o-other-shit. All of a sudden I hear a noise I hadn't heard in a long time - a shovel. I looked out the window and saw that not only had it been snowing, but it was really coming down and accumulating. That settled it, I was going skiing. I gathered my xc ski equipment from the basement, scooped the dead spiders from the boots and got myself prepped to ski.

It was a balmy 37 degrees out, so I was sure to be sweating in no time. I figured I'd ski for a half hour or so, just to say I did, but once I got out there I couldn't stop. As it turns out, I really enjoy xc skiing. The best part was, after an hour and a half, as I packed up my car the wind picked up and it became quite blustery. I finished up just in the nick of time. I also made plans to ski at Notchview in the morning.

I'll be brief with my Notchview review. The place was empty when we got up there, I think mine was the third car in the lot. We grabbed our tickets, suited up and hit the trails. The nice place about Notchview is that they groom the trails. For those of us who are less than nimble on narrow, edgeless skis, groomed trails are the bees knees. This was my first foray into the world of groomed grails and I give it two thumbs up.

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Prescription for Old Age

It was early on Saturday night when I was leaving The Heritage with the 'COWs. HECOW says something about how we should be doing something, implying that the night was still young. ECOW tells him that it was actually almost 11:00 PM, to which HECOW replies "Quick, gimme 20 cc's of Barcalounger. STAT!"

At that point, I almost flew off the road. I didn't know what a barcalounger was, but A. it sounded funny, and B. I assumed it was a recliner of some sort. The recliner image in my mind then made it more ridiculous because how would one get 20cc's of a recliner into his/her system? Genius, pure genius.

Round Up!

Another gem from Saturday night includes a tale of beautiful women in a towny bar. We walked into The Heritage, and into a sea of well-dressed women doing shots. CHA-CHING! The place was so thick with attractive women I didn't even know what to do with myself. We grabbed some drinks (a Diet Coke for yours truly) and started working on our plan to get control of the pool table. No sooner did our drinks arrive then we hear one of the girls holler "Alright ladies, let's go!" That was that, they all filed out of the bar and into their awaiting bus. After that it was nothing but hoochies and drunk guys. Boooorrrriiiiinnnnggggg.

Mortgage Update

I gave my co-owner until Friday to put her one signature on the one piece of paper, and the paper back in the mail in the pre-addressed, pre-stamped envelope. This is after a month of repeatedly asking her to sign it. This is her definition of full cooperation.

Prior to last week I hesitated to give a deadline because I knew if I said to have it back to me by, say, the 15th, she'd wait until the 15th to start working on finding a pen. Instead I told her to have it back as soon as possible, and I impressed upon her that she was holding up the whole thing and that time was of the essence. Weeks passed and I was forced to write back and basically say "Sign it and get it back in the mail no later than Friday. I'd also like you to let me know when it's in the mail so I can give my attorney a head's up."

Saturday afternoon I had still not heard a peep. A follow-up e-mail has been ignored, and I'm afraid I'll have to call her to remind her. ONE FUCKING SIGNATURE! WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL!?

Over and Out,
Old Coot

Get the Whole Story Here...
"Something inside of me just said 'Hey, wait a minute, I want to beat him.' and I just took off." -Pre