No golf, just rode in the cart.

Good evening players. Someone out there in readerland has been feverishly awaiting a new posting, so here it is. I hope it's what you were looking for. And how do I know that someone was waiting for me to write? Wouldn't you like to know? I'll tell you...

I have a hit counter. I don't know specifics about who's visiting my site, but I do know some things. I've become pretty good at determining which hits are which people. Of course, I don't know for certain. It's all really a guessing game.

So anyway, today I had a few tasks ahead of me. First and foremost was to fix my ailing internet connection. I had shut off the power strip the other day that my DSL modem and my wireless router plug into, and as a result they revolted against me. Seeing that I am entirely at their mercy, they won. I was without internet service long enough to realize that I am a junkie. Of course at the same time, my cell phone battery died and then I forgot it in the car and couldn't charge it. No internet + no phone = Old Incommunicado Coot.

When that was done, my second task was to start cleaning this hellhole of a house. It is so dirty, and it's mostly because I'm never home. Now, you might think to yourself "Self, if someone is never home, how can their house get dirty?" The simple answer to this is that houses generate dirt. Not dust and cobwebs, but straight up dirt. We're talking clumps of mud on the floor, piles of dirty dishes, laundry, cat vomit, you name it. All of this happens when I'm not home. So today I was supposed to start cleaning it.

I knew for a fact that if my goal was to clean the house from top to bottom, I would really just go get some coffee at Juice 'n' Java, go shopping, and fool around on my newly reinstated internet connection. I set my sights a little lower; clean my bedroom. Often, once I get started I can keep going. Today was not going to be one of those days. I was sidetracked here and there, and then JC (not Jeebus) called requesting "a hand" moving stuff into his new house. Booyeah, an excuse. I was so there.

We worked for most of the day, in the rain, in the sun, in the rain and sun, lather/rinse/repeat. But most importantly we had a golf cart to help move boxes from the front of the house to the back. At first this seemed lazy, but after carrying the boxes into the basement for a few hours my tune changed. Plus, after each trip to unload we had to whip up and down the driveway to get the mud out of the tires and it was SOOOO fun. Everyone in the house was clowning us because we had the biggest shit-eating-grins on our mugs every time. What can I say, it was mad fun.

One of the perks of helping JC with any sort of project at his house is that he likes to feed people. I am a person. I also like being fed. As a matter of fact, I haven't cooked dinner in nearly two weeks and I'm certainly not wasting away; I've been able to forage for food all that while and not die. But I digress, we ate good. Today was a veritable swine-fest. Well, there wasn't any bacon, but other than that the swine flowed like water flows into my garage. Don't get me wrong, I'd help for free, but I am certainly not going to turn down some em effin pork.

Oh yeah, and the new baby('yeah') is wicked cute. She was doing mostly baby stuff (I was informed that what she was doing was standard for newborns), nothing wild or crazy. I'm not very well versed in babies or kids, so I never know what to expect of them; let me break it down...

Here are the various stages of human development, per the Coot Classification System:

• Newborn - Can't do anything
  
• Regular baby - Cries and makes faces and stuff, still can't do much
  
• Really small kid - Can kind of walk around some, knows a few words. Still wicked cute, except for those poor ugly ones. Sorry, your parent shouldn't have bred. Really small kids can still get away with walking around in the nude.
  
• Small kid - Can walk, run, talk - can't catch or throw
  
• Big kid - You can play sports with them and they think you're awesome because you're so good at those sports. Little do they know that they're about one team practice away from "taking your nerd ass to school"
  
• Teenager - Can't do much, and hates everyone because of it. Still doesn't understand sarcasm which makes them useless to me
  
• Regular person - Capable of paying taxes and complaining about local government. Watches the weather.
  
• Zombie - Walking undead.

So there you have it. Now I'm so beat; my back, legs, neck, and feet are tired. I am bruised all over from a ping-pong injury (surrisly, I have a huge lump on one of my spinal knuckles and another one where my hip bone connects to my leg bone (the hip maybe?). I have "The Wedding Run" tomorrow morning, so I can't sleep in and then I have to finish up cleaning my room and maybe tackle the kitchen. Who knows where the day might take me?

And with that, I'm ghost.

Over and out,
Old Coot