Ribfest '06

Good afternoon Coot fans. I've been berated by a bevy of burly dudes regarding the lateness of my Ribfest Two Double-Ought Six issue. To this beratement I will issue the following statement: "Tough shit". You see, I am a freelance writer who is extremely underpaid for his efforts. Plus, this blog is my arena to state my opinion on things and voice my discontentness with all aspects of life. I try not to take requests because then I'd be catering to what the readers think they want instead of telling them what I know they want. I'm so in tune with what my readers need that I can provide that material sans request. Most of you are parents, you should understand.

With that being said, I feel like my readers might enjoy a little recap of Ribfest '06. I have a few photos provided by the Ribfest's host and caterer, JC. I'm not into taking pictures of people, so mine sucked. Here we go...


When I arrived, people were mingling and roaming about the estate. Some were on guided tours, others were stocking the coolers with their beverage of choice. I was walking around just plain old looking good. I mean really, I'm freaking good looking (see picture at screen left). Once the snacks came out, I found myself parked next to the snack table for most of the afternoon. I knew there was to be a Rib-Off against Bizarro Todd, but like J&BC's kid, I couldn't keep my hands out of the dip. That and I had about 15 assorted sodas. WOW, my system was getting riled up.

Now, while I was gorging myself on crackers, cheese, fruit, cream cheese dip, sausage, and so on, my Rib-off opponent was smartly running around tending to children. It wasn't until the shrimp came off the barbie that he sat down to graze. And while I ate things that could go from the table into my mouth without any real effort on my part, Bizarro sat down with unpeeled shrimp. Working up a pre-pork sweat, he got the old tummy churning with a handful of grilled crustaceans.


Once the Great Grill Debacle was settled, the rib cooking was underway. JC can't stand to have less than 36 lbs of swine per person, so rack after rack of ribs went onto the grill. Here you can see a few racks crammed onto the grill. This ain't no wuss-sized Forman grill either, this is a biggun. As we waited in the starting gates, Bizarro announced his training secret: he had trimmed his goatee so that it wouldn't interfere. A rookie mistake (this is my first year with a 'tee), I hadn't trimmed mine in over a week. This mistake could prove to be costly.

Enribbening in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

I think we had about ten or so down before we needed a break. Our shirts soaked with runoff of the pork sweats, we stepped outside onto the deck for some pork-free corn.


After the mid-pork corn a few more ribs went down, but I was getting weak. My eyes burned from the swine juice oozing from my pores, and I was running out of room in my digestive system for anything other than my own finger. In a dead heat, we called it a tie.

BUT THEN, like a phoenix rises from the ashes, Bizarro Todd walked back into the house with his slimy, barbecue sauced fingers grasping at what was to be the winning rib. My rib-side doctor had already put an end to the madness, disallowing me from consuming more swineage. The uncontested rib carried Bizarro from a draw to the winner's circle. Congratulations, BT! My hat is off to you.

Other Points of Interest

• In a rant about how far HECOW's nose is up ECOW's mother's ass, she was heard saying "If anyone's shit is going to be on his nose, it should be mine!"
• BV, I know you read this. Your move to NC has been denied pending a formal review. You need to prepare slides containing: a transition plan, risk analysis, trade-off decisions, cost analysis, fing-fong reflacement flan, sound byte website layout (we'll need sound bytes for things like Jaysus' favorite snack cracker, and cheese product spread), schedule and parts list. Your plan will then be reviewed at The Design Review Table for no less than one week.
• J&BC's neighbors are drunks. Not only did they spill all over the deck, but as the night went on they started hooting, hollering and kicking out screen doors. Tsk, tsk I tell you. Tsk, tsk indeed.
• I hate horseflies.
• 6 pieces of flooring scrap and a match do not produce enough flame to ignite a four-foot log. I don't care if it was split in "half" or not, that shit is just too big.
• JC's dad has no respect for "college boys". Go play with your guns, you hippie.
• After a long night of enribbening, the DPTs can be worse than a hangover. For those who don't know, that's the Deporkening Tremors. Plus your farts STINK!
• Not my farts, yours.
• If we had just a little more time, we would have had Bizarro wearing the burlap sack that the corn came in. But no-oo-oo, "the kids are sleepy" his silly wife proclaimed as she took him away. Damn, a few more drinks and he was putty in our hands. Nice work HECOW, your one job was to sauce the bastard up!
• With both hands busy carrying a grill, JC can still carry and finish a gin and tonic. It's not a far stretch to say that he can probably make himself another. He's perfected the alcoholic's response to the feedbag.
  
  Well, that's it. Time to go home to defrost some pork chops.
  
  Over and Out,
  Old Coot