Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Dem Dere Rocks is Funneh Lookin

Hey suckas and chumps. As I sit here drinking Gatorade and eating marshmallows out of the bag with a fork, I think to meself "You should blog this shit, man." So here I am.

Once again, I gotta be brief. I have some cleaning to do and my body is mad tired, so my time is limited. I went for a mountainbike ride with KH who is, as far as I'm concerned, Lance Armstrong. He was telling a story the whole way up a mountain while I was sucking wind. At one point I tipped over because I was going so slowly. And nothing kills your momentum like falling into the weeds.

Anyway, after the initial ascent, we reached cruising altitude somewhere above where Leer jets fly. At this point, we made a turn and went uphill some more. The terrain was a little more forgiving and I managed to not fall, for most of the way. Then I fell into the weeds again. Actually, it was weed covered rocks. Dang my elbone hurts.

Eventually we reached a dam that I had no idea existed. Looking up from below, it was impressively large. Apparently ignorant people thought the same thing one day and had come back to throw computer monitors down onto the rocky riverbed below. Nice. We had to walk the bikes up onto the damn dam because it was too steep and too rocky. We admired the view then busted out the map to figure out where to go next.

At this point, it was either ride a little and go home, or ride a bunch more then have a longer ride home. Without a map in front of me it's difficult to explain this. Being the glutton for punishment I was I voted for more riding and a longer ride home.

This proved to be well worth the punishment. We had somewhat of an incline, but it was easy going and lacked the rocks that make the earlier section so hard to ride. We reached the top where - on a clear day much unlike today - you can see forever. "Hey look at that funny rock" I thought as a rock I was inspecting turned out to be a porcupine. No wonder it had such a lumbering waddle to its gait.

After that was a STEEP downhill on a dirt road. By steep I mean at times your shirt generated enough lift to pull you off the ground. When we finally got to the fork in the road at the "bottom", my brakes were just about molten and my rims were cooking. Plus my legs felt like they were leaking something other than sweat. Something much gooeyer and much hotter. They had the feeling you get when you pee in a lake and it comes back to get you.

We parted ways at this fork, as KH lives out in Lenox and I do not. He pointed me in a direction and described the route I needed to take simply as "go that way until you hit Williams, then you'll basically you'll be home". He offered me a ride home if I went to his house, but it was 6 miles to mine, tops, so I rode it out.

Roughly 300 feet into my solo adventure I could smell something rotting, perhaps trash. In the woods when you smell trash it means animals are probably nearby as well. Fortunately, all I saw near the trash was a rock. Unfortunately that rock was a bear about 10 feet off the road in the woods. The same legs that failed me earlier in the ride seemed to have been hiding a pair of clydesdales because I was the fuck out. To reduce the risk of accidentally sneaking up on any more bears, I whistled the entire way home. As a matter of fact I was still whistling as I walked into my kitchen just in case one of those crafty motherfuckers snuck up in there to catch me slipping. And bears hate when you whistle, so that would have kept him from eating me in my own home.

At that point I made a couple glasses of Gatorade, ate some chips and sat down at the computer with a bag of marshmallows and a fork. For the record I only had three.

So, Cooterinos that's my evening story. I'm bout to do some power cleaning then I'm going to bed. I'll holler at y'all later.

P.S. That wasn't brief.

Over and Out,
Old Coot

1 comment:

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"Something inside of me just said 'Hey, wait a minute, I want to beat him.' and I just took off." -Pre