What's going on in Readerland, players? Today was a pretty nice day so far. I only had to work for about 4 hours, and by 'about four hours' I mean to say 'four hours'. There was nothing 'about' about it, that's just how long I had to work. It involved more play time in the lab which is always fun. After that, I typed up some results of some testing we did then got my ass out of there.
Thanks to the good folks over at sitemeter.com, I have a nice little record of everyone who visits my site. Before you get all bent out of shape and start calling me a Republican, the information I have is only what your computer transmits when it accesses a website. The information is pretty simple, your IP address (which I think gives me location), your monitor resolution, operating system, # of porn sites you've visited that day, your mother's maiden name, how you take your coffee, and so on. But even more useful than that crap is which key words people searched for in Google that ultimately brought them to my site. The most common is "Old Coot", obviously, but sometimes I get some doozies that cause me to spray snot all over my shirt/keyboard. Below is a list of some such searches...
For some of the more interesting ones, I added the country in which the search originated. What I love about these visitors is that they probably did not find what they were looking for, but often they stay and read a few entries. To those of you who come to my site seeking answers, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but have a seat and let me spin you a yarn.
Take for example the bloke from England. You know he wanted to learn how to chug a pint of ale really fast; perhaps even pour it down his throat like the old guy (may he rest in peace) from The Man Show. Instead, the story he got was about me donating blood (after which I was down a pint) and then eating ice cream (I downed a pint). Sorry, no beer guzzling instructions.
The guy from Spain was looking for Coot Socks, well, I'm not sure what in blue blazes those are but he couldn't get them from me. Sorry player, I don't ship internationally.
Then the poor sap who was looking for information on a torso cramp. Come on, a torso cramp? I made that shit up, don't pretend like it's happened to you. That kind of shit wouldn't even happen on the most bizarre episode of House, and they can make up some shit. Surrisly, House is the result of the creators of ER and X-Files ripping one too many bongs together. And if those shows were created by the same person, well I think he really should step away from the sensimilia and put the gravity bong away for another day. You got problems, dude.
The other ones aren't that great, I really only added them to pad the list a little. In case you're wondering, the last one is a line from a Dave Matthews Band song (a live version of Two Step). For your enrichment, the most he can do while he's here now is 'not a thing, leave it as I found'. The music drops in on the word 'found' and it's enough to make even me speed in the car and I drive slower than Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy. As a matter of fact, take a look at the following picture...
This picture is not actually from the movie, but rather one I took of Morgan Freeman zipping by me on the other side of the double-yellows en route to a chauffering gig he had back in Buffalo. He's about to say "What the fuck is your problem, grandma?" then flip me off. That was back in the days of analog cameras when you had to advance the film yourself, so I couldn't get the action shot off in time. You'll have to take my word for it.
So that's that. I did a hot practice paddle of this weekend's race course and developed some nice blisters. CLUTCH! The good thing is that I did learn that I lean the wrong way when I'm trying to maintain a straight line. For some reason I thought you had to lean in the counterintuitive direction - away from the direction you want to go - to turn. After constantly fighting to follow a straight line I learned that I'm an idiot and I should have been leaning the other way. Well, at least the left side of my body will be good and strong. That will make the race much less frustrating for me, since the boat naturally pulls toward the middle of the lake (I don't know why).
I also ran into this guy who had retired from my workplace about 5 years ago. We bullshat about The Josh for a few minutes before I got in the water, and it wasn't until about 45 minutes later that it clicked who he was. I saw him again when I got out (how the hell did he beat me?) and forgot to mention that I know him. Later, under some strange, small-world circumstances I met his canoeing partner who clarified that it was indeed him.
Indeed.
Okay, I have to wrap it up, Bs. I have a long day of busting HECOW's balls (even though he wussed out and won't even be at Russ's house), then installing T-Russes and T-Riangles on Russ's new garage (let's see if either one of those words gets any google hits). I've been slaving over dinner, Choc-oat-chip cookies, and chicken salad all evening and I needs me a rest.
Oh, but let me tell you about my get-up for the race. In case you've forgotten, our team name is "The Pretty Boys" (we aren't pretty boys) and we were trying to come up with a uniform for either the race or the shindig afterwards. Sensing that it wasn't going to happen, I went out and hooked up some gear. I picked up a pink polo from Old Navy and some plaid shorts from Target. I think I'll rock thsome white athletic kneehigh socks and my Kangol hat to complete the ensemble; footwear is still undetermined as of press time.
Let me tell you how nervous I was buying a pink polo and plaid shorts. I didn't want the cashiers judging me (despite the fact that they were both older than me and working the register at mall stores) but those stores don't sell condoms and I couldn't draw attention away from my pretty boy purchases (google that one, losers). I paid cash at Old Navy and managed to pick out enough buffer gear at Target to adequately dilute the shorts; two bags of kitty litter and some 2,000 flushes (which is now good for 4,000 flushes for the record) did the trick. Hopefully I can remember to bring my camera to the race and I'll get some shots of the boys looking oh so pretty.
Over and Out,
Old Coot
Friday, September 15, 2006
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2 comments:
1.) Your postings lately are back in shape. Good Times.
2.) Now I want chocolate chip cookies.
3.) Does this mean that 2000 Flushes are now good for 8 munce?
4.) While I can't use my real name for reasons set forth by the Blogger Social Caste System, this anonymous feature has at least allowed me to slum it enough to post to you. Boo ya, Beta!
Actually, they're choc-oat-chip cookies and I tore up a bunch today.
Yeah, they should call it 4,000 flushes. They're good for up to eight munce. I love how even Mr. Flushes seems surprised in the commercial by how long they last. I guess people poop half as often as they used to. That's probably thanks to Atkins.
Yes, I too will be bootlegging my comments. Try to keep me down, will you.
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