Here's Where My Brain's Been

The trouble with wishing for stuff I find, is that you often get exactly what you wished for. I have been posting updates of my life on this here instantweb for dang near a decade, give or take 8.75 years. Everyone out there in Readerland has been nothing but supportive (with the exception of ECOW and HECOW, who are royal ballbusters) and at this point, I have found myself in somewhat of a jam. You see, there's one reader out there who has caught my eye. The jam being that I can't use my journal as a private forum for discussing her (for anonymity sake, I'll call her RC) since she's a regular reader. Now what do I do?

I have edited and re-edited this posting and have decided not to mention the details of our initial "meeting". We have a difference of opinion in terms of who may have stalked who, so I'll leave it to the collective imagination of everyone in Readerland. I'll just add one unbiased comment; RC stalked me into submission.

This is file footage of what RC might look like stalking me in a bear suit, although she'd be undoubtedly sporting a knitted skull cap with reversed, ambulance-style lettering.

So, at any rate her interstate admiration (she lives in NY) has overpowered my usual self-destructive powers. I scoured her own blog (which I will not share with you, so don't ask) in a fruitless search for something wrong with her. It's looking like there's nothing I can do but throw caution to the wind and pray that I don't completely blow it.

Dear Jeebus, please give me a pair.

We met up last Saturday night and while I may have appeared calm and collected on the exterior, I had a turkey sub doing cartwheels on the interior that was convincing me otherwise. Fortunately, RC felt the same (replace the turkey sub with Fritos). We've agreed our next date will not be at a restaurant.

Anyways, I thought the date went well. Conversation flowed with very few of the expected awkward silences. I only dripped coffee on myself a little (the damn waiter spilled it all over my saucer), and my turkey sub stayed inside. Pretty good for me, I'd say. I wasn't expecting a full-on makeout session or anything requiring an awkward morning departure, plus she seemed like too nice of a girl for me to risk clumsily overstepping any boundaries. As it turns out, my wuss-baggery (that's the trait of a wussbag) was once again my downfall. Lesson learned? Probably not, but I'm at least taking notes to study up for next time.

Here are some details for those of you who need them. I told her I was gonna share, but I'll be a little vague so as not to give too much away. What makes us most compatible is a fear of spiders, birds and vermin. I'm not so afraid of mice, but birds hate me and I don't even like spiders on TV. She's 26, knits, claims to bike (sans bike at the moment), reads, puzzles, and laughs at people's mishaps (YES!) and gets my sarcastic wit. She likes OTHER people's babies (which are also currently on my list of things I fear, but I'm getting better), cats/small dogs, Oprah, omelets, and playing cards (need a fourth for Euchre?). She has a good job (a big plus), zero children (legitimate or otherwise, also a big plus), likes Buffalo, does yoga and most importantly has been paying attention to me. Plus she has these really mesmerizing eyes.

So, feel free to rain praise on me in comment form. Showing up for our first date with my Axe-Murderer's Starter Kit in the car (photos to follow) wasn't a good choice, so any comments you can make to show I'm an alright guy would be helpful. I've already shared most of the things people told me to never tell a girl, so don't worry about blowing my cover (for the record, it wasn't The Clap, so don't tell that story). Despite everyone's advice, I've just been myself and it seems to be working. Strange!

P.S. She's not a transvestite named Andre, despite what the fellas in the office think. And she's not a 40-year old man, despite what I feared.

Thanks for your help,
Old Coot

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Daylight Savings Time + Tylenol PM + Monday = Sleepy

Well folks, it's Monday and I'm starting to feel the effects of Daylight Savings Time. I might also be feeling the effects of the Tylenol PM I took last night. For some reason I thought I was going to need help falling asleep, despite the fact that I was falling asleep in my recliner. Sometimes my brain just don't work good.

Speaking of movies, I was on a mission yesterday to find a movie to watch. After learning that Target didn't stock any of the movies I wanted, I decided to hit up Walfart. I had to go there for a few other things, so I figured I'd pick up a flick too. Eeerrrooonngg. Apparently they've cut out most of their movie selection in favor of TV shows on DVD. Dammit!

I did pick up everything else I needed while I was there, so it wasn't a complete waste. Then off I headed to Price Chopper for some fresh groceries. As I walked in, I remembered that I wanted to get a coffee grinder. You see, JD provided the coffee grinder and since we bought a pallet of beans at Sam's Club, I couldn't just make the switch to grounds. He has his ready to pack, so I didn't want to get it dirty this weekend. I'm sure Walfart or Target would have had a better selection, but I needed one ASAP.

So, to prevent my short term memory from failing me, I headed directly to the appliance section of the store and picked up a grinder. I got the basic, run of the mill grinder which also happened to be on sale. Cha-ching! However, I was at the opposite side of the store from where I usually start, which means I was going to have to shop backwards. I figured it would be simple enough, but it wasn't. I had NO idea what I was doing. I was wandering aimlessly half the time. Now I know what it's like to suffer from dementia. At long last, I finished my shopping and was in search of the fastest checkout line. Of course, half of the lines were closed and the rest were starting to coil around the store so I knew I was in for a doozie of a time. Fortunately in my quest for the best line, I wandered by the movie section and spotted the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring movie I wanted to see. It was about $10 cheaper than Walfart since it didn't have the extra 2 discs (it was only a two-disc job, which is one more disc than I need) and I was sold.

I checked out and was on my merry way. When I got home, I did some quick cleaning with some of my new cleaning supplies, and put away my clean dishes. Ahhh, counterspace again! I whipped up some delicious dinner, watched most of a movie and hit the sack. That's it.

P.S. I really need to learn how to cook for one person again. I have three meals worth of leftover taco stuff. I'm sure JD will polish off one when he returns from his parents' house, but after Thursday I'm gonna either have to scale back or get used to eating the same thing several days in a row.

Over and out,
Old Coot

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Does the Mach 3 Turbo Belong Below the Neck?

It's Friday, you ain't got no job, you ain't got shit to do. I'm gonna get you...

Okay, so maybe not. But it is Friday, and I love that movie (Friday)!!

Here's a story I'm sure you will all care about. We went out to The 99 (I'm not sure why 'The' is in the name, but that's what people call it) for lunch yesterday as JD's going away lunch. I felt compelled to eat a roast beef and cheddar dip, because the waitress HIGHLY recommended it. It was pretty good, but it will not receive a glowing recommendation from yours truly.

Afterwards, one guy had to have dessert. The next thing you know the other 9 of us are ordering. I knew the sandwich was going to catch up with me sooner or later, so I opted for the slice of apple pie over any hot fudge laden treats. This freaking pie shows up and it's literally A PIE. It was about 6" in diameter, covered in caramel sauce and ice cream. I ate it, but I knew I was in for a world of hurting. And what a world that was!

Hours later I met up with The Crazy Group for our Thursday run. As I laced up my kicks in the driveway, I could feel the roast beef and pie battling for position. The desired position? On the driveway next to my feet. I held it down, but knew this was going to be an unpleasant run. I'm a trooper, but I warned the ladies (yup, yesterday it was me and the ladies!!!) that they might have to come pick me up on their way back down the mountain if an all out Battle Royal broke out.

Have you ever found yourself in the unpleasant position to have to suck in your gut after a meal of Thanksgiving proportions? Well, try doing that for 75 minutes while running through the woods; jumping over streams, rocks, branches, logs, etc. Fortunately, the ladies I was running with were all seasoned nurses and mothers, and were not bothered by bodily functions. Not that there were any to speak of, but I'm sure they could hear the sloshing noises my roast beef/ice cream/water encumbered belly was making.

Question of the Day:

As the ladies were discussing their pale legs and the fact that they had to remember to shave just for this run, they mentioned that I should shave my legs. I'm not one to be shaving anything below the neck unless there's a good reason, but they felt it would really help emphasize my calves. I'm not sure if this was a compliment or they were saying I could use any help I could get in the calf department. I certainly wouldn't be doing it for speed because there are other things I could do to improve speed that wouldn't give me chick legs.

So ladies, what are your thoughts? Guys, I already know what you're thinking. I'm not seriously considering this, it's more of a curiosity.

And while I have the razor out, would it be too much to shave a 6-pack into my stomach? It's not like I look like Steve Carrell in 40 Year Old Virgin, but I'm no bare chested wuss. There's material to work with.

Well, I await your feedback on these topics. For now, I'm back to documentation. And today's a beautiful day; good thing I'm working until 4 :(

Over and out,
Old Coot

P.S. It's JD's last day here at work, the lucky bastard! Good luck, player.

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Victory was Mine

This is going to be a brief, Early Morning Edition. I was tested this morning and I have to say I passed and even got the extra credit. Here's how it went down...

I got out of bed around 5:50 according to my alarm clock. That means it was really only about 5:43. I fed the Hungry Hungry Kitties, hopped in the shower, shaved, dressed (in a springtime short-sleeve shirt!), grabbed the kitchen garbage and was out the door. The sun was glistening on the frosted dew covering the lawn and car. No need to scrape, a few passes of the wipers and I was in business. So far, so good.

When I arrived in the parking lot, I got a clutch spot since it was before the 7:00 rush. I decided to finally take the coffee cups out of my car, and empty my travel mug. As I climbed out of the car, wouldn't you know I spilled ALL of the coffee on my pants.

I kept my cool minus one toss of the keys and a non-expletive yell. YES, way to watch your mouth!

I reached into my glove box where I knew I would have a bevy of napkins and started sopping up the coffee. I kid you not, it just came right off. God Bless You, Old Navy Stain Defender Khakis. God Bless You.

So, I kept my cool, everything worked out, and I said what's up to everyone I passed in the How's-the-Day-Gonna-Go office. Oh, I shant be defeated in this: The Summer of Todd. I shant be defeated.

My arch nemesis, the Bizarro Summer of Todd (boo, hiss) failed to lure me out of my 100% positive summer mood.

Note: The Bizarro Summer of Todd is not to be confused with the Summer of Bizarro Todd. BT - as I call him for short - is my successor should I die or otherwise become unable to fulfill my Toddly duties.

And with that, I will work,
Old Coot

P.S. Go ahead and laugh, I said duties.

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I brought my AK, but I didn't have to use it

Folks, while yesterday I carried my AK, it turns out that I didn't need it; it was a good day. If you don't get this reference stop reading immediately and buy every Ice Cube album you can find. This blog will still be here when you get back.

When I stepped out the door yesterday I decided that it was going to be a good day. I can usually tell how it's going to go by the time I get to my desk. One of the offices I walk through en route to my desk is a 100% accurate indicator of how well the day will go. Everyone there was smiling and friendly. Sometimes I can feel like a celebrity walking down the hall; "What's up Bill? Cheryl, how's it going? Betty, looking good! Hey (Guy I don't know), what's the good word?" and so on. And people were smiling when they saw me coming. Yup, it was going to be a good day.

I started in on what I was planning on doing, and it seemed to be going well. I got distracted for a few hours looking for a thermal pad (glorified foam) that does not exist in this time zone. Back to work, got distracted again (you know who you are), back to work again, got to assemble some hardware. NOTE: It's almost always a good day when you get to touch some real hardware. It really makes you feel like an engineer to get your hands on something that you designed in PowerPoint! And when it all fits together, oh how sweet it is.

My late afternoon was filled with my original task, which I basically finished around 7:00. Man, that's two long days in a row. But the way the sky looked behind the big cooling towers and the PCB pile made the late night seem alright.

Eff that, it's nice today so I'm leaving early (hopefully). I have a lawn that needs a good spring raking!

So last night, I left work around 7, as I mentioned before. My car told me it was 46 degrees out. Not too hot, not too cold. I went home, ate dinner and decided to go for a run circa 8:00. I assumed it was still in the 40s when I headed out, but it really felt cold. After the first leg of my run, I made the decision that I was going to bag the run early. I could feel the cold in my lungs, something was awry. When I got home, I checked the thermometer and it read 35 degrees. That means it dropped over 10 degrees in an hour. Damn, no wonder I was so cold.

After that, I took a shower, curled up with a cat and did some good olde fashioned internet surfing. And by olde fashioned I mean on a laptop via a wireless connection to my DSL router. I also lost another $200+ in computer solitaire. The total is up around $2700+. Good thing it's not real dough, but I am accepting donations if you want to express your pity of me.

Well, the sun is shining, my team lead is growling and I want to go home. Hmm, where to put my priorities?

Maybe I will use my AK just a little,
Old Coot

P.S. No, I won't. Please don't send security. My AK is safely disassembled in my desk drawer.

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